kadmium

Yesterday I went to get passport photos made (have to go through Argentina to get to Antarctica) and when the pictures developed, they looked like mugshots. I took them home and showed them to Katie, laughing about it as I said, “Look at this! And I even made a concious effort to look pleasant!” (And I had. I’ve had a bad couple of weeks at work and I’m feeling pretty stressed out. When I went to get my first round of vaccinations for the trip, my blood pressure was just on the high end of normal. I’m usually smack-dab in the middle of normal. I just don’t have high blood pressure. So while I was driving to get the pictures taken, I practiced smiling and made mental notes to myself to look like I wasn’t going to slug the photographer.)

Katie said, “But that’s how you look a lot of the time.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. When we walk the dogs in the morning, about half the time you look really pissed off.” For the record, I’m usually not pissed off in the morning. By the time we’re walking the dogs, I usually am thinking about work, but I always thought that my thinking face was sort of neutral looking. Apparently not.

So the question is this:

When you picture me in your mind, what expression do I have on my face?

Be honest. I’m not fishing for compliments, and nothing is going to hurt my feelings. I really want to know. How do people perceive me and remember me?

(I had to submit my passport application this morning and didn’t have time to scan the picture, but I will when I get my passport.)

Hey Dave,
it's been years since I've seen you in person, but I remember a guy with a kinda dorky smile. But that describes me too, and just about everone I knew in Austin at that time. I would hate to think you movd to Alaska to become stressed out.

Comment posted by davel | October 29, 2002 07:42 AM

I picture you with a kind of post laughing smirk, most likely because we just got away with something at work or cracked each other up over our own brilliance. I honestly can't picture "angry Dave" right now. Maybe you just need to move back to America...

Comment posted by David J | October 29, 2002 08:54 AM

It's really weird. I've been asking people at work, too, and most people say it's pretty normal for me to look pissed off. Which is too bad. There was a time when I was younger (late teens, early twenties — before I met either of the Daves above) when I had a pretty pronounced tendency to lose my temper. Tom can tell you a funny story about it. At a some point I recognized that it wasn't a good thing and worked hard to stop blowing up, and then worked hard to actually not be pissed off. I would like to think that I was mostly successful.

If I had to hang my current mood on one particular thing, I'd hope it was work. Yesterday I went home with a migraine (fortunately, I've got actual migraine medication) and I can feel another headache building right now.

Of course it can't be that simple. Glad I've got a couple of days off coming up. Maybe I can unwind a little bit.

Comment posted by mccreath | October 30, 2002 11:02 AM

oh people are such asses. i know the face they're talking about, but it's not what i'd picture you with.

Comment posted by ttk | October 30, 2002 08:06 PM

O.K. I've known your face longer than anyone on this earth. You smiled from the time you were born---and slept a lot. But you never were tense, nor did you cry as a baby or a little kid!!!! So, blame it on two things---environment---and here is the big one---gluten intolerance!!!!! Yeh! Yeh! Yeh! I can hear you already. The headaches are the clue! From your grandfather, your mom, and now you got it through genetics. Its much harder to handle stress until you quit eating wheat, rye, barley (yea, malt) and oats. So the tense look is real, but it can change. Sorry for the bad news, but it took me 15 years to figure it out. I know you didn't want to hear all this, but so goes life. Best part is you don't have to take pills!!!!

Comment posted by Ruth | November 3, 2002 07:36 PM

Interesting that folks think of your expression as angry. What I have seen is determination--a kind of concentration that says you have an idea what should be done or what is right, and you plan to follow that course. You would appreciate it if others would either agree or get out of the way.

Comment posted by Dad | November 11, 2002 06:40 AM

Hey there, all.

I thought that I would weigh in on this topic since my comment about your photo seems to have instigated this discussion. I have seen Dave's face nearly every day for over ten years now and I can say that in many instances he wears a very serious face that could be interpreted as angry. Sometimes he is angry. Sometimes not. It can be hard to tell. I think this might be one of the purposes of the look.

He also dances around the house singing goofy songs, tells hilarious stories at parties and has the wonderful ability to amuse himself most of the time. He has not changed and become more gloomy, grumpy or sullen since coming to Alaska. In fact I remember when we got our earlier passports just prior to our cycling trip in Europe (1991) Dave joked that he looked like a charter member of the "Angry Youth" club.

It's good to get other people's feedback, but it's also important to ask yourself how your face reflects your inner self. Who doesn't experience stress, anger and conflict at some time in his/her life? Having a face that shows it sometimes isn't a fault or a crime. It's okay to have a whole myriad of emotions. From my perspective, it's when you try to squelch the uncomfortable ones and fake the socially acceptable ones that inner and outer conflict arise. So that's my armchair "life coach" (being a plain old counselor is so outre) opinion.

As for Dave's supposedly stressed-out facial expressions being linked to his environment (presumably you meant Alaska, Ruth) and gluten intolerence, I think that a great deal more information would be necessary to assess the validity of that theory. And only Dave is truly qualified to make the final judgement.

Finally, I don't think it is fair to call people "asses" for responding honestly to a question asked in earnest by someone who wishes a straight answer.

In health and potential serenity,
Katie

Comment posted by Katie | November 17, 2002 12:56 PM

Thanks for the comments, folks. I really appreciate it. What I was after, of course, was how people remember me, and I'm glad that they don't remember me as angry.

I think I did have an unusual look on my face for a good part of September and October. I also had an unprecedented string of full-blown migraine headaches that sent me home from work. It's all stopped. My visage has returned to displaying a full range of emotions, the headaches are gone, and my normally cheery demeanor has returned to the forefront.

For the record, I never thought it was Alaska, and I never thought it was my diet. I was pretty sure it was work, and now I'm confident that work was indeed the problem. Katie and I took a great vacation (Yeah, I know. The report is overdue.) and we hired someone to take over almost all of the stuff that was really causing me problems (all the systems work on our web servers and database). Headaches gone, face relaxed, smile back (as often as was pre-September, anyway).

Mom, I know the gluten-free diet made a tremendous difference in your life, and I'm glad it did, but I never experienced the same change. I was very carefully gluten-free for at least a year while we were in Texas. And when I was tested me for gluten intolerance in Texas, the results were largely negative. There were a couple of inconclusive aspects, but the doctors that I was working with agreed that because I definitely have an allergy to wheat, and the gluten test appeared negative, in all likelihood, I don't actually have a gluten intolerance. Maybe I'll get tested again in the future and be proved wrong, but for the time being, my stress levels have dropped dramatically without any change in my diet.

Comment posted by mccreath | November 18, 2002 10:58 AM

Well, I'm glad you've gotten back to normal. I didn't mean Alaska when I said environment in my first comment. I meant work stresses etc. Environment can encompass a lot of factors that change depending on whats going on in your life. You both seem to be having a great time in Alaska which is great.

Comment posted by Ruth | November 24, 2002 05:33 PM